How Breaking Up With Alcohol Changed My Life

Every day, you have a choice. You can wake up and make it a good day, or you can find something to be pissed off about. For most of my late teens and early 20’s, I woke up pissed off. Automatically hating the world and everything in it. I was drowning in a victim mentality and drowning my sorrows in alcohol because of trauma. By 23, I started to wise up. I still don’t know if it was a maturity thing or events in my life that drove me there and doing therapy. I realized I didn’t have to be such an asshole all the time just because my life wasn’t where I wanted it too be and my peers looked like they had life on a silver platter. While most of my friends were on spring break trips in college, I was working to keep a roof over my head to stay in school. Amongst other struggles I was facing. It took me awhile to realize that everyone has their own personal hardships in life and that I wasn’t the only one emotionally suffering. It doesn’t matter your race or social class, anyone can suffer from hardships and mental health issues. Just because someone is on welfare, doesn’t mean they’re lazy. Just because someone lives in a picture perfect house with their parents, doesn’t mean it’s perfect on the inside of those walls. I learned that empathy was the key to true happiness and freedom from the weight of societal norms or judgments. Once I started to be more open about my past, how I got to where I am now and got more open about my struggles, I didn’t feel this need to watch every step I made in fear of someone using my actions against me. Not legally, but socially. There’s power in claiming your actions as your own, even if you’re not proud of them. People can’t make a story out of something you already told. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of while drinking heavily, but I’ll never let someone make me feel ashamed for those because that’s not who I am today. I worked really hard to get to where I am and I won’t ever let anyone take that from me.

Once I had this revelation, I started to actually enjoy some parts of my life. I still had a lot of work to do but I was working toward a positive outlook on just simply being here. I’ve had many suicidal ideations in my 20’s while using alcohol regularly. The irony. One of the biggest things that lead me to where I am now, was breaking up a co-dependent relationship with alcohol. Alcohol to me was like the boyfriend you break up with because he’s toxic, makes you feel like shit, but once you see him again the next day you forgot how shitty he made you feel the night before. Because you need him to feel complete and worthy. Or feel anything at all. It’s like chasing a high. This was even the trend in my romantic relationships. My last relationship, 3.5 years ago, lead me even deeper into a co-dependent relationship with alcohol. And sometimes drugs while out partying. I never did recreational drugs on weekdays or outside of a night out. That was my way of justifying that it was okay. I was seeing it as the norm working in the bar scene and hanging out with that crowd. “Well, I only do it sometimes”, I’d tell my self, but I definitely wasn’t always rejecting it when offered. I broke my ribs twice while drinking, had 3 drinking related concussions, fell down a flight of steps and almost completely ripped my pinky finger off while blacked out on a boat. Looking back on that now, I can’t believe I wasn’t hurt worse.

After 6 months in New Jersey I realized that zip code didn’t change the way I felt. Sure, being close to the beach helped but when December rolled around, reality hit. December of 2018 I had lost my great grandmother then 48 hours after returning to New Jersey, a group of friends were in a drunk driving accident. Two of them tragically lost their life. I can’t say I was as close to them as others, but I do know that their accident shook me to the core when thinking about my relationship with alcohol. I never wanted to get a text with news like that again, or be the person the news was about. I knew all the stress of those few days was going to lead me into a downward spiral. I had already been researching therapists in the central New Jersey area before my great grandma passed but now I found myself searching for inpatient or partial programs. I knew what I needed to do.

I planned my therapy adventure around finishing finals and my job. I wasn’t able to go inpatient unless I got my shifts covered for a month working as a server. I also couldn’t afford to lose my job when I’d get out of the hospital. I found a program in Princeton that offered inpatient and intensive outpatient therapy. It was a program specifically designed for women who struggle with trauma and addiction. It’s a very strange experience being a psych student and checking yourself into treatment. I felt like a failure and that I had no place being someone’s therapist in 3 years. I couldn’t take off work, so I had to convince the intake worker that I was mentally stable enough to handle my outside life while doing treatment for addiction. Even though they damn well knew I needed to be inpatient. I explained the reasoning behind all my actions for why I was there, yet I couldn’t make a change in the way I was feeling. This program saved me. The first two weeks were hard. I worked at a sports bar, so instead of saying yes to a drink after my shift, I had to force myself to go home. That was the ultimate test to prove to myself how serious I was about getting sober. I slipped up once or twice but I wasn’t made to feel bad for it or shamed in my program. My friends in NJ were very mindful and supportive of the whole thing.

The program focused on identifying trauma triggers that drove me to the alcohol as a stress reliever and to numb emotions. Once I was able to identify those triggers, ground myself and work through them, I finally had the tools to get a grasp on my alcohol use. I never 100% gave up alcohol after this. BUT, I was able to go out with friends on a Friday without getting bent. I was comfortable being in a bar sober now, or only having 1 drink. I always offered to be the DD. Whereas before, I had zero self control. I was constantly blacking out. On top of taking my adderall, so I would still be coherent. There were nights that I slipped and drank too much, but I wasn’t drinking as a trauma response or because of a trigger. I truly believe that addicts don’t necessarily breed addicts, but generational trauma breeds addicts. And that addiction is a direct result of a problematic childhood, attachment issues or trauma at any stage of life.

I kept on this pattern until January of 2020. Having “control” over my relationship with alcohol. I found out I was 4 months pregnant and stopped it all cold turkey. Cigarettes, alcohol, weed etc. I was always told “I bet you can’t go one weekend without alcohol”. The fact that I was able to stop immediately because I was pregnant told me I wasn’t addicted to the taste of alcohol, I was addicted to the taste of freedom it gave me emotionally. I think it’s safe to say the same for anyone who struggles with an addiction. Alcoholism and addiction runs deep in my family. I won’t share details out of respect, but I can now see why it’s something we’ve struggled with over generations.

The last 5 months of my pregnancy, I only got the urge to drink a few times while under extreme stress. Obviously, I did not. The whole thing was very traumatic. Probably the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. Even stumping my sexual assault and drugging situation in my early 20’s. As many of you know, when my son was born, he was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. My world was flipped upside down in just 5 months. Not to mention my entire future. I was numb. I tried so hard to snap out of it but I just couldn’t. I had a lot of stressors with some of my family. A week after he was born I went out for drinks and dinner with friends. I was dragged for it by some of my family members. They were “worried” about me having a few drinks but they didn’t realize the drama they caused around the situation didn’t help. I had a 3 week old baby and I was suicidal. Because of how my family was treating me. It’s one thing to come from a caring place when checking in on someone you love, but it’s an entirely different situation when your family is treating you like you’re going through a hard drug relapse a week after giving birth. Word of advice, don’t go to someone you love worried about their behavior and treat them like they’re damaged goods. Or like you’re above them because your life is together. It makes us feel less, drives us farther away and feels like everyone is judging us behind our backs amongst people who are suppose to be close to us. People we’re suppose to trust. My alcohol dependence was used against me so many times by people I loved, or things I’ve been through. That’s not caring. That’s a self righteous act of judgment and wanting to play the hero to the addict. Or in my case, people not wanting to take a look at their own weaknesses and using someone else’s problems as a distraction from their own flaws. It’s a real shit feeling when your family acts like they care to your face, when in reality they’ve been throwing judgments behind your back to your parents the whole time. The family drama, the diagnosis of my son and adjusting to my new norm threw me back to where I had been 2 years ago. I fought back and I didn’t let myself sink back into the deep end. I’ve deserted toxic family and friend relationships. I knew they needed to go, because I don’t miss them. I didn’t realize how much they were effecting my mental health! Once I did this, I started to feel a sense of peace in my life.

I had to go on anti-depressants for postpartum and to stabilize my anxiety from the chaos of my new life as a special needs single mom, but I could never remember a time I felt so good about life after a few weeks on them. I hadn’t been on medication for 6 years. I was finally able to bond with my son. Something I hadn’t been able to do for the first 4 months of his life. I felt horrible about it and knew it needed to change before it hurt him. Now that we live in our own apartment, I’m able to create a routine for us. I wake up (most) every day at 6:30 AM with a “I’m gonna kick today’s ass attitude” instead of “I hate it here.” I’m not getting overwhelmed, angry and anxious with all the things I have to do for Rowen now. It’s become the norm. I’ve maintained balance with my pre-pregnancy self in healthy ways. Who I am hasn’t changed. But I’ve evolved into a newer, less anxious, more laid back and sober version. Which in return has completely eliminated the urge to drink for me. Like, ever. I’m still strong willed, passionate, caring, smart, kind, funny, down for adventure, love an adrenaline rush and willing to try new things. I just do these things sober now. I used to not even be able to go on a hike without putting alcohol in a Yeti. I still do a lot of the healthy things I once did. I just now find ways to include Rowen. I found ways to help channel my anxiety in positive ways instead of using alcohol. Our self care is getting a bath every night and snuggling before bed after a productive day. I still let him sleep in my bed some nights. I know I can never get this time back and I already missed out on 4 months of it that I don’t remember. I still go out for drinks with friends when I can but it never gets out of hand. I WANT to go home to my baby instead of texting the babysitter I decided to stay out a bit later than planned every time I go out. When you accept your reality for what it is and find the positives in it even if theres more negatives, eventually you train yourself into seeing the light in everything. Even the bad situations. Something didn’t go my way that day? Okay, I’ll list all the things that did. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days where I still complain. Just ask Rowens Dad!! (LOL) But, they’re few and far between. Or not as serious. I also realized that when you surround yourself with positive people and remove the negative, it’s a life changer. I attribute a lot of this change to Rowen though. He came later on in my alcohol dependence journey but he was a result of an alcohol dependence. I can’t even remember that night in much detail because I was blacked out. I specifically remember drinking Tito’s straight out of the handle like it was water. He was the final piece to my puzzle of taking my “sobriety” seriously. I say sobriety loosely as to not hurt anyone dealing with a much deeper addiction. I still have drinks, but I have a much stronger control over my will to not keep ordering all night. Don’t mistake that for a full on victory. If I find myself asking my friends to go out after a stressful week, I assess whether it is a good idea or safe for me to do so given old patterns. If the answer is no, then I don’t go. It comes in waves and I think it is just something I’ll always struggle with. Unfortunately alcohol is the norm in our society now and most social situations revolve around it. So, I decided the answer was to overpower the urge and fix the parts of my life that were causing it.

To this day, I still can’t believe I let a mind altering substance dictate my life because I thought it made me feel better when in reality, it was just making me feel worse. My mind works in such a different way since I don’t have alcohol in my system every week. I’m not spending Monday and Tuesday mentally clouded because the chemicals in my brain are readjusting to the lack of alcohol and causing depression. I think more clearly. My grades are better. My skin and hair are healthier. I’m motivated and excited about life. I’m confident. My body isn’t retaining yeast from so much beer. I’m able to reflect on my life in positive ways. I see things from the bright side more often. It’s even helped in starting this blog because I can actually feel true and raw emotion now. Whereas before, I felt nothing. I couldn’t imagine writing the things I do now years ago. It’s a really emotional thing for me to reflect on where I was 3 years ago versus today. When I think about those times, I want to cry about how dark and painful they were. I put in the work to better my mental health and it paid off. I still struggle with anxiety from my PTSD but now I can say it’s under control. I am so looking forward to the future with my son, creating true bonds with people in my life and using my experience to hopefully encourage someone to take the same path to change I did. Next up, is working on trust issues and not letting past relationships effect the health of new and pure ones!