An Unplanned Pregnancy at 24

Today is the 1 year anniversary of me finding out I was 4 months pregnant. I have come such a long way in just 365 days. Hearing “unplanned pregnancy”, the first few things that come to mind for me are teenagers, lack of proper sex education and not being careful. No one talks about the unplanned pregnancy that comes in the middle of a college education at age 24. When you’re “supposed” to have your shit together and be an adult. I say supposed too lightly because everyone’s life ends up taking a sharp turn at some point. I’m a pro at that. My life tends to be a series of unfortunate events. I was always careful. Switched out my Nuva Ring religiously for the last 5 years. Never even had a scare. So, to hear the scolding words “Victoria, your test was positive. You’re pregnant. We’re guessing 6-8 weeks.” was a bit traumatic to put it into a simple term.

I still to this day can’t remember what my initial emotion was hearing those words. I think I blacked out and started hysterically crying. After I cried it out for a few minutes, with my urgent care nurse Danielle holding me, I jumped into my normal “how am I going to fix this?” mode. Before I get into this next part, let me just say that I am Pro-Choice. What another woman does with her body is none of my damn business, and it’s not yours either. I’m sure some judgment will come from what I did, but that’s between God and I at the end of the day. My first reaction was to ask where the local Planned Parenthood was. Those were the first words out of my mouth. Danielle helped me call Planned Parenthood in Cherry Hill and setup an appointment for that Friday. I found out on a Wednesday. She left me her personal number to reach out if I needed to. I ended up texting her a few hours I left, questioning my decision to terminate. I hadn’t told my family.  She was the first person to give me the confidence that I could do this. I ended up calling my dad that night. That was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. I told him I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. We talked for a while and made sure I was making the right decision for me. I asked him not to tell my mom and just move on.

The next morning, I woke up with a gut wrenching feeling at 5:00 AM. It felt like a truck was sitting on my chest and my lungs were being crushed under the pressure. I knew this feeling, a familiar one to me. A panic attack. That woke me up out of my sleep. I was having a very lucid dream where I was holding a baby. I sat up and realized immediately I was making a mistake to get an abortion. I talked to my roommates mom for a while, assessing all the possibilities and scenarios if I kept the baby. Or if I gave it up for adoption. I knew I couldn’t have a piece of me in the world and not be a part of their life. I toughened up and made the second hardest phone call I’ve ever had to make, to tell my mom I was pregnant. I told her the whole spiel. She asked me not to abort, that it wasn’t the baby’s fault. She was right. It wasn’t. Even if it wasn’t my fault I got pregnant. I decided to go to the hospital that day to find out more about the pregnancy. I knew they would do an ultrasound and blood test to confirm, instead of waiting to see an obstetrician in a week. My bloodwork, urine sample and pelvic exam were all consistent with a pregnancy that was 6-12 weeks along. They sent me up to ultrasound to confirm. I was laying on the hospital bed and the first time I saw that baby, I don’t even have words to describe seeing a life inside you for the first time. It’s truly remarkable and a part of me changed in that moment alone. I just happened to glance over when she was going over the baby’s face. Most of you know, a fetus won’t have many or no facial features at all aged 6-12 weeks. The probe swept over full facial features and I saw the nose. A tiny defined little nose. I love to kiss that nose every chance I get now. I asked the tech if she could tell me anything. She technically wasn’t supposed to but she knew I already knew something. She told me I was measuring 17 weeks. More traumatic words to my ears. I was going to be a mom in 5 months, that was final.  At this point I didn’t feel it was right for me to abort due to gestation and seeing half a baby in me. It also brought back a flood of emotions that it’s been years that I’ve felt. Joy, excitement, happiness and hopefulness. Don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely terrified of how I was going to make this work. I always wanted to be a mom, but didn’t know if it’d ever happen for me. Whether it was the “ideal” situation or not, I got the one thing I’ve always wanted. They say “There’s never a perfect time for a baby” but in my case it was wrong. This baby came at the perfect time even if it didn’t make sense then. Which I’m sure doesn’t make sense given the whole unplanned pregnancy thing. 

I moved to New Jersey in the summer of 2018 to be a nanny for my cousin and her kids. It ended up not working out so I focused on school and decided to stay in New Jersey. I moved in with a family friend and gained a second family. I declared a major in Psychology, enrolled in the schools 3+1 program at Rowan for Psychology and planned to graduate in Spring 2021. After that, I would stay in New Jersey and pursue a Masters in Forensic Psychology or Social Work. Finally, after all my degrees were complete, I’d apply to the Federal Bureau of Investigation as a special agent to work in their Psychology Department. A lot of people talk shit about New Jersey. I felt like I fit in more there than I ever did where I grew up. I finally was able to create an identity for myself and became a new person. My grades were phenomenal. I made the dean’s list for the first time. I made great friends who became family. I experienced so many things I never could have in Dillsburg. My favorite part, I was under an hour from the ocean. I finally had it together. Then suddenly, I was 4 months pregnant and wasn’t sure who the baby’s dad was. I’m sure that sounds horrible but I owned up to that and handled it with no shame. I’m a firm believer in the right to a casual sex life for women while taking precautions. Later down the road….I ended up with the best father for Rowen I could ever ask for. 

Looking back, I wouldn’t change anything with my unplanned pregnancy. I feel like everything happened as it was supposed too. I was thrown a curve ball. I was scared and made an impulsive decision, then turned it around into something that will positively impact my life forever. I was in a car accident at 6 weeks pregnant. I was still going out and drinking. 32% percent of Down Syndrome pregnancies are lost between the time of chorionic villus sampling (10 weeks) and the time of amniocentesis (16 weeks) and 54% are lost by term. I was taking all my medications for ADD. There were so many reasons for that baby not to happen, but he did. Hidden away for 4 months. It’s been a year since that day. I don’t even recognize that person anymore. The one thing I did bring with me from her, is strength. Rowen is almost 8 months old.  I stayed in college and am 3 semesters away from graduating with my Bachelors in Psychology. With the help of a support system and Rowen’s dad having our back, it’s been a weight lifted off my shoulders so I can focus on Rowen and my degree. I’ve never felt more spark and joy then when I look into that little boy’s eyes. He may not have come at the perfect time but it ended up being perfect for me.