Self Love After Giving Life

I grew up being taught that appearance was everything. Which is true, until it becomes a toxic mindset in adult life. I was constantly ridiculed by people I love for my weight, when I indulged in foods, what I wore and how I did my makeup. I feared having children in my early 20’s because I was scared my body would be wrecked. Most of my young adult life I’ve fluctuated between 130-180 pounds. I go through phases were I’m dropping weight and starving because of stress/anxiety. Then I go through phases that I binge eat as a means of emotional comfort. Now my body is stuck in survival mode thanks to Adderall, so I just don’t lose weight or gain it. I’m stuck at 165. I was actually almost diagnosed with a Binge Eating Disorder during my trauma therapy program I did a few years back. I got a grip on it. Body Dysmorphia is still something I struggle with daily.

For the last 7 years I’ve struggled with health issues and had no answers. My symptoms aligned with Lupus, but my bloodwork could never confirm it. I get extreme rashes randomly that resemble a sun burn. They’re painful and last for days. My whole body would feel as if I ran a marathon from soreness. With Lupus, they’re called butterfly rashes. I’ve always had problems with acne on my chest/shoulders/back so this surely wasn’t boosting my confidence. I have gone through my entire life planning my outfits around whether my chest was broken out. I’d avoid having to wear a bathing suit in the summer or wear a high neck swim suit. My sex life was effected because I didn’t want anyone to see me naked with a huge rash all over my chest or acne. Even when I was in relationships. I put makeup on my chest to cover it up and in result it’d break out more. It’d get worse around periods, typical for most women.

Because of the rashes and no answers from doctors, anytime I got these crazy reactions I’d have to rush into the doctors that day for a steroid shot or I’d be given a steroid pack to deal with the inflammation. I never knew if they were anaphylactic or autoimmune. At one point I was even given Epipens. If you’re familiar with Prednisone, you know that a side effect is hunger and fluid retention. I went from 130 to 180 pounds in the last 6 years. I have really struggled with my body image because of this. I started to get cellulite and stretch marks from the constant fluctuation of weight. Meanwhile all my friends have “perfect” bodies I envied. I always felt like the fat friend. I say perfect in quotations because even skinny girls have things they are insecure about with their bodies. We all do. We support empathy here. Also, you’ll have a full circle moment later down the road when I post about how I didn’t know I was pregnant. Remember this paragraph.

Living in New Jersey my social life revolved around wearing a bikini or skimpy clothing half the year. If I wasn’t at the shore, I was at nightclubs. It was so stressful around big nights out because I would put so much effort into what I was going to wear. If my nails weren’t done, I wouldn’t go. No fresh pedicure? No open toed shoes. If I didn’t have my hair or lash extensions, fake tan etc., I’d avoid certain social settings. I’m still that way to this day. It’s a toxic trait I’m working on. I’d let trying on outfits at the mall ruin my day. My second summer in Jersey I finally stopped letting my body confidence effect my social life. I started wearing clothes that accentuated my body type while controlling what parts of my body I wanted to show. Even if they weren’t low rise and low cut. I learned to rock the hell out of a turtleneck and high waisted bikinis, and made it sexy. I finally had a grasp on my Body Dysmorphia. I still struggled but I was giving myself some space to breathe. Literally.

Oddly, being pregnant was THE hottest and most confident I’ve ever felt in my life. Even at the end. I loved being pregnant. I dreaded the day I gave birth because I was scared of what I’d be left with. After Rowen was born, I bragged on social media about how fast I “bounced” back because that’s the thing to do now. Compete with other moms on who bounces back the fastest. It’s an unspoken trend. It needs to stop. I’m very lucky that I had remotely no stretch marks. My body didn’t change much from when I got pregnant. I actually weighed more pre pregnancy than I do postpartum. I still felt like I had my “old” body but I have this pouch where Rowen once hung out for 9 months straight.

Over the last year I’ve started unfollowing pages on Instagrams that portrayed unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies. Plastic surgery shouldn’t be normalized. It’s not a realistic body expectation because it’s naive to think women have thousands of dollars laying around for surgeries and procedures. The girls with the tiny waist, flat stomach and huge butt you constantly see in your feed? She probably had work done. Unless it’s really good genes (I’m looking at you with envy, Brazilian girls). It’s also not the gummy vitamins she’s advertising on her Instagram. You can definitely build a booty in the gym but it will never give the results of a Brazilian Butt Lift. This isn’t me judging for someone having work done. I have two syringes of filler in my lips and 40 units of botox in my forehead. Do I fantasize about having a Mommy Makeover? Yes. Do I have $20,000? No. Do I have a rich husband? Also, no. Would I take a free boob job? HELL YEAH. But until then, I have to learn to love my body as it is before I go off making cosmetic adjustments or I’ll never learn to love myself naturally. It’s like sticking a band aid over a wound that needs aired out to heal. I also have to learned to be open with any procedures I have done and acknowledge why I did. I’ve always wanted my lips done because I have such prominent cheeks and tiny lips. I smiled and my lips disappeared, making me look 10 pounds heavier than I was. I tell people this all the time when they ask about my filler. My self confidence isn’t growing when I lie about getting my lips done. It’s setting me back.

Over the last few months I’ve really worked on loving myself naturally. Staying home because of COVID, I don’t see the point in wearing makeup. Clogging my pores and wasting expensive product? Nawh thanks. Makeup and masks are a breeding ground for acne. I have enough of that. I’ve been forced to look at myself in the mirror every day with no makeup to cover up the redness in my skin and I can truly say I’ve learned to appreciate it. If someone asks why my skin is so red….I educate them on my medical history proudly instead of shuddering in shame. I have these bright lights in my room on my mirror that have shown me every imperfection on my body. I’ve gotten familiar with them and have learned to love them. I recently got a mole removed on my arm that has left one hell of a botched scar. I’m insecure about my arms because they gain weight first. I started to plan a tattoo to cover it up just to be told I have to wait 2 years until it completely heals. I have to learn to accept it as a part of my body. Rowen’s dad doesn’t know this, a lot of people don’t, but he has played a huge role in helping me be comfortable in my own skin. This dude has seen me at my absolute ugliest from giving birth, postpartum, no makeup with a rash etc. He’s been a great friend to me when I’ve brought up these things. Before, I would have never let someone, yet alone a guy, come over or see me if I wasn’t “somewhat” put together. Well, when you have a baby with someone and have to be around them constantly it gets tiring keeping up with self image. Rowen’s great mammy on his dads side always tells me how much prettier I look without “those eyelashes” and I finally started to believe it! She always tells me what’s up. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t give a f*ck now. My oh my, is that liberating. Not to mention, my bank account thanks me. As of today I no longer have lash extensions (I wear strips occasionally), hair extensions, my skin is so pale you can see all the discoloration and imperfections…. and I’m okay with it. I will absolutely get all of these things done again at some point in life…but now it will be for positive reasons. If you’re reading this and can relate to even a single thing I said…just know that you truly are beautiful no matter the condition of your skin, dimples on your ass, stretch marks on your floppy postpartum boobies (@ myself), your weight, wishing you could gain weight, imperfections and whatever else you may tear yourself down for daily. Rowen has taught me that it matters what’s on the inside, not what’s on the outside. I’m going to start living that way.

I decided to share some raw, unedited and unfiltered pictures of myself because it’s a stepping stone to fully accepting my body for the way it is. I’m honest and open about editing my photos, but I’m not honest with what those actually look like before. So if you’ve ever wondered what I look like without Facetune…here’s your chance!!! This body built life and I am sure as HELL proud of that now. All moms should be.